I assumed he was referring to the movie where Denzel Washington played a pilot who flew the plane upside down. That was NOT the image I wanted in my head as I boarded the plane so I quickly forgot about it.

Fast Forward.

A month or so later I finally got around to watching the movie Flight. The opening scenes show his “party” lifestyle with a naked woman (his flight attendant) and then he goes off to work.

The pilot is an alcoholic who uses cocaine to level him out before work.

As I was watching it I found myself marveling at the love affair he had with his alcohol. He simply couldn’t control himself. It was difficult for him to admit that it was an issue. His life was crumbling around him and he still refused to see a problem.

Isn’t that how it goes with addiction?

Denzel’s character got to a point where he knew it was important for him not to drink. He looked at the bottle like it was a lover. He smelled it with his eyes closed, inhaling it’s essence. One small sip and it was over. All of the alcohol in sight was gone in a single drinking binge.

That sounds familiar…

Oh, so many times I have gone in to the casino with good intentions. Sometimes I just wanted to get a bite to eat. I could hear the sounds of the machines as I sat there. People were out there winning. The lingering smell of the smoke was comforting to me. The food was good, I was fat and happy. Maybe I would just play a few dollars on the way out.

One twenty dollar bill and it was over. The slide had begun and the checking account would eventually be drained.

Back to the movie.

I look at things differently since my gambling mess. I work to learn from my mistakes and build on my progress. Flight was an entertaining representation of the destruction addiction can cause. It was also a beautiful way to show that there can be hope to live a better life. It all depends on what you do with it.

Blessings,

Kim

Victim, victim, victim.

My attention drifted to the radio. Matthew West was playing an acoustic version of his song “Forgiveness.”

Ha, ha, ha. I had to chuckle at this universal reminder.

I was on a roll feeling abused by other people. It felt like the right thing. And then, bam. Forgiveness. I wanted to go back to the same train of thought I had before the song. However, as I mentioned in the last post, I am working on growing my spiritual side again. Clearly this was a reminder that I needed to check myself.

Re-evaluate.

What were my parts in the experiences? How can I look at them differently to change what I can? Where do I need to forgive?

I thought about these things, took them to heart and carried on with my day.

It came down to responsibility.

Throughout my interactions with people I have been reminded that I can’t change them, I can only change myself. I am responsible for my own thoughts and actions. More importantly I am responsible for my own reactions.

Argh. The frustrating part? I want to give up and run. I don’t speak very well. When an opportunity to practice personal responsibility presents itself I work on responding more appropriately. It is definitely a work in progress.

I have been focusing outside of myself and looking to forgive other people for what they have done to me. Truth be told I’m figuring out that what I really need to understand is that I have allowed their behavior to affect me. I have given them permission to hurt my heart.

Now my priority is to forgive myself first.

I’m not so sure that I’m being a victim. I wonder if my feelings have just been hurt and I haven’t been able to identify it. I wish that I had completely surrounded myself with people who would protect me…because I haven’t been protecting myself. I hang on to the words of others for validation. I don’t trust myself for an accurate opinion yet. The rebuilding process from my gambling addiction has been a difficult one and I’ve made some poor choices along the way.

I can’t change the past but I can focus on where I am now. I can make better choices with the knowledge I have gained from my experiences.

I have done the best I could with what I had.

And that has been enough…for today.

Forgive yourselves my friends,

Kim

P.S. A few days after I heard the song on the radio the cd crossed my desk at work. Apparently I needed a pretty big reminder.

Did you cry? Throw a tantrum? Pout or withdraw? Did it work? For some of us those tactics were like magic. For some they got us into more trouble. It mainly depended on the adult we were trying to get it from. Maybe you just accepted what your parent said because you knew they were looking out for you.

I think you’re lucky if you had at least one nurturing parent who was willing to encourage you to ask for your desires, even if you didn’t always get what you wanted. In my family I learned how to give up. It was easier than fighting for what I wanted.

As a child I gave up on receiving material things. If I was ever given something I sure did appreciate it. I would hang on to it with a death grip. The few things my mother ever got me are cherished to this day. Mom usually taught me that wanting things only left me disappointed.

I used to dream of being an author. My grandfather taught me that I could never make a living as a writer. He thought that being a lawyer would have been a fantastic way to earn my money. Or I could go to work for the government so I could have job security and a good retirement. Writing was not for me.

My eighth grade teacher didn’t think I was good enough either. He chose not to let me in to an advanced English class for high school.

These things can be devastating to a child. Surely they must be right.

I couldn’t have material things and I couldn’t have my career. So I gave up, as usual.

Fast forward 30 years. I’m still not drawn to expensive material things. Comfort is fine. For quite a while it was ok that I wasn’t a writer. I found a job in a library and was trained to be a government worker. (I imagine he is rolling in his grave at the lack of security the government offers now!) That should have made me happy, right?

Well, it would have made him happy. I enjoy working in a library. Books don’t talk back to me and they bring me comfort. However, my government job doesn’t bring me security or monetary comfort.

My desire to write stayed with me throughout my life. Getting the old crap out of my head has proven to be a frustrating challenge. I have to write. I feel so much worse when I don’t get the thoughts into a tangible form. Life makes more sense when I can read it. I am learning to honor my desire to write and I’m working on my mental state that allows me to make a good living doing it.

I’m taking small steps, but they are still progress.

I’m also working on my spiritual side again and allowing life to flow in a positive direction. I believe our thoughts become things. At the moment I’m reading about Infinite Possibilities from Mike Dooley.

If we could walk up to a counter and place a life order what would you choose?

I would order the thing I have chased my entire life: The safety that comes from someone who loves you more than anything. That means being the world to someone who will put me on a pedestal, hear my voice when I’m speaking, enjoy time with me and play with me. Someone who makes me feel special.

In my mind everything else in life would fall into place once that key piece was found.

If only my husband would pay more attention to me. He could cuddle with me. He could enjoy life with me. He could kiss me goodnight every night and tell me how wonderful I am.

[My thoughts used to dance around jackpots. If only I could get a royal! Life would be so much better! Eventually I would get a royal, but, of course, I gave it right back that day or a few days after.]

Did I mention that I believe thoughts become things?

There is a huge difference in thoughts. You can wallow in the present with unhealthy thoughts. or you can envision a better future with clarity and healthy belief systems that are more powerful than the negative.

Here is the kicker: when I was a kid I learned how to give up. I don’t ask my husband for what I want (from my childhood training I am certain that I will be denied). I withdraw. I pout. I dream about that illusive safety that clearly wasn’t meant for me.

However, when I open my eyes and ears I realize that I already have much of it. Damn. My husband aches because I won’t let him please me. He’s happy to kiss me good night but he doesn’t want to be rejected. My withdrawal has made him feel like I don’t want his love. He makes me a priority but I don’t see it when he does.

I’m too busy looking at what he doesn’t do.

Have I mentioned that I am a work in progress?

We all are. Emotions are incredibly tricky for me. Turns out this is Burger King. I just need to step in closer to place my order.

Blessings my friends,

Kim

1. Scream at each other and escalate the argument until punches were thrown, guns were fired and/or cars were damaged.
2. See the argument starting and literally run away.

In my adult life I realize that neither one were ideal situations. It took me years to learn that there are more appropriate ways to deal with anger. I haven’t been able to catch it before it starts yet, but once it’s going I quickly gain awareness that I have made a mistake and fallen back into my old habits.

It seems like I’m in a movie.

I hear the words coming out of my mouth like an old tape. I feel the emotions flowing through my body. I see the typical reactions coming from my partner.

We have the same argument. Over and over. Both of us are good little soldiers who know the steps to the dance by heart. We do it without even thinking about it.

Each of us work on doing things differently. Ideally we both come into awareness at the same time and stop before we do more damage. Realistically it doesn’t usually work that way.

Speaking for myself is an important step to changing my behavior. I can only change myself. When I realize that I’ve gone too far I make moves to change it. I begin to apologize for my part. I listen more instead of purely reacting or attacking.

That’s where it gets tricky. My husband doesn’t trust it. He is still going through the steps in his head and this is not part of the routine. It doesn’t compute.

Now what?

I must remember to stay true to my course. I must remain…really? You’re really going to say that to me? How can you think that of me?That’s not what I said! That’s not what I meant! It isn’t like that!

My willpower falters. Eventually I snap out of it. I read in a book that I should leave and take a break from the situation to cool things off. In a panic I try that. I forget to tell him when I will be back.

By the time I return he is more upset and feeling abandoned. This creates a new set of issues to pile on top of the first set. What were we fighting about again? Then he decides to leave. Now I feel abandoned. Couldn’t he have fixed it while I was gone? More issues.

Our fight goes back and forth all day long. Eventually I get to a point where I can’t take the fight anymore. I’m emotionally exhausted and I just want it to stop. Just tell me what to do to make it stop. I typically end up in a sobbing heap in the corner. I can’t function for days. I can’t think straight. I don’t want to get out of bed. I don’t want to breathe. I have reached my emotional limit.

Time to replenish.

The next day I went out to lunch with friends. I went to get my feet rubbed. I wandered around a store and did a little shopping. I refused to let myself wallow. Today was harder. It snowed again. I didn’t want to go to work. I wanted to stay in bed.

This is what I used to run away from.

I noticed that I was drawn to the mindless games yesterday. I didn’t want to think about the mess I was in. I am well aware that the communication in my marriage is unhealthy. I’m working on it the best I can for where I’m at. And that is good enough for now. I don’t want to judge myself. That makes my head hurt and my habits spin out of control.

Why am I sharing this?

Because it’s real.

Part of my committment to you in helping you live a better life is talking about what is true. I don’t live in a fantasy land. My life isn’t perfect. My husband and I fight like crazy people yet we love deeply. I am a funny goof ball who likes to laugh. I’m unorganized. I have a giant heart.

I am a recovering compulsive gambler…who has a LIFE!

Step by step with lots of practice I am learning to deal with things in a healthier way. It doesn’t happen overnight. I have to remain committed to the journey. As much as it hurts, it’s really good to feel.

Blessings my friends,

Kim

In the spirit of St. Patrick’s Day a group of friends and I were talking about lucky charms this morning.

I began to reminisce about the precious lucky rabbits feet I had as a child. My grandmother bought them for me and they were pretty special. Lucky, indeed. That is, until a friend pointed something out:

It wasn’t so lucky for the rabbit.

Oh, right. I decided to do a little bit of research on the “luck” of the Irish. It turns out they weren’t so lucky after all.

A couple of things happened for me.

A few of my stereotypes were broken. 7 Lucky Facts about St. Patrick’s Day talks about cranky little fairies (leprechauns) and why the Irish were deemed lucky. Apparently Irish folks were thought to be incompetent and when something went right for them it was “lucky.” Did you know that the Plumber’s Union turns the Chicago river green each year? By the way, no fish are harmed in the process. It’s quite beautiful really. You can find pictures and video at Green Chicago River.

Going through the day and seeing all the people in green has also been a source of incredible delight for me. I love seeing people with their green bouncy head bandanas and bright green shirts. I love watching the enthusiasm of their playfulness.

As a gambler I had so many superstitions. I find that they still linger but I’m open to the idea that they aren’t real now. Days like today remind m…

[Ok, so here comes the frustrating truth. I was moving right along with this post and was sidetracked by a work...thing. I debated on whether or not to scrap the post. Maybe I should just call it a missed opportunity. Or maybe I could use it as a learning opportunity. Learning it is. Today is the 19th. It still has good information. Wear green if you'd like.]

I’m open to changing my belief system now. I must admit, old superstitions die hard. I’m still nervous about going under a ladder. I did wear green on the 17th. God forbid I should ever break a mirror.

The difference now?

When I see these “lucky” or “unlucky” signs I don’t automatically equate them to gambling. It feels good to be free.

Blessings my friends,

Kim

P.S. This post was a fantastic learning experience for me. 1) I don’t have to be “on time.” My time is on time. 2) I don’t have to be perfect. 3) I still want you to see my thoughts. This is, after all, a peek into the life of a recovering gambling addict.