So many people around me are hurting right now…deeply. It’s unsettling yet encouraging. Major renewal is happening, including my own. I am reminded of butterflies emerging from their painful transformations as something brilliantly beautiful.

One of my main questions lately has been how much of the process can I help with?

I don’t want to interfere with the growth and yet it’s hard for me to see the suffering. Lately, as I have said in past posts, my therapist has been reminding me that I need to learn to sit with my discomfort. I have grown accustomed to immediate relief. In the past I would just numb out with my gambling addiction and not have to deal with much of anything. I know that people around me are using their own escapes as coping mechanisms too.

That being said, I am finding that I am offering hugs, a shoulder to lean on and limited emotional support. I will listen when they need to talk and be a comedian when they need to laugh. They are still using their escapes, but I know in my heart that I am providing a sense of relief, even if it is only for a little while.

Isn’t that what we really need? The burden becomes too difficult to carry when we don’t get a break from our drama. And, of course, the burden is still there when we escape into our numbness. I think that finding a good balance of support is quite helpful to get us through the trials and tribulations of life.

Here’s the kicker: Is it possible that you are wanting to help others as a way to escape your own problems?

I noticed that sometimes I have been frenzied to help my friends. I want desperately to help ease their pain because they are hurting so deeply. It’s hard for me to sit back and allow them to go through their own process. I want to swoop in and save the day. Along the way I realized that I need to save my day. My energy has been pretty well drained lately and I’m finding that it’s hard to take care of myself let alone anyone else. In some ways it helps me keep my head in reality. In other ways it helps me avoid my own issues.

What’s the right way to handle things? Probably simply the way we do it. I believe that we do things to the best of our ability at the time. Allow yourself the chance to see a growth opportunity for yourself and also recognize your limits when you are serving others. Take the time to step back to see what your motives are for helping and how it’s actually making you feel. Your body and emotions will let you know the right moves. Pay attention to the signs around you. They are present if you allow yourself to see them.

Helping others is a good thing. Being obsessed with it to avoid your own life is not.

Happy balancing everybody!

P.S. I would love to hear your comments on your experiences or thoughts on things.

What to do, what to do? I am feeling lost and unsure of which way to go. I have tasks in front of me, but no desire to do anything. I’m lonely and I want to hide. I’m sad and missing the bond of my mom. I feel like an empty shell.

I am barely capable of just staring into space, yet that’s what I find myself doing.

I was tempted to go to Las Vegas today. I had plenty of excuses. The weather in Denver is supposed to turn to clouds and snow. My husband will be out of town. I deserve a tiny vacation. It would be nice to relax. Well, you get the idea.

All of these excuses sounded perfectly reasonable to me. Then I shared them with my husband and the voice of reason stepped in.

What are you running from?

That hurt my pride a bit. After my initial poor reaction I started to think about it. He was right. I do want to escape.

I want to run away from being me. I want to distract myself from my pain. Chances are good I want to go back to a comfortable feeling of pain.

Gamble, lose, feel worse.

At least it would be a pain that was different than my grief. Maybe even a more legitimate pain. These feelings of loss I’m going through shouldn’t be taking so long. Shouldn’t I be getting back to normal by now? Maybe I shouldn’t even really be sad because she was so mean to me anyway.

I have several friends going through the loss of relationships. I have friends losing their homes and unable to pay their bills.

Whether it’s from their gambling or life in general I offer them a supportive hand and tell them that it won’t always be this way. I tell them that when they sit in their discomfort they will be able to heal it better because they will be dealing with it instead of running from it. I let them know that my hand is here for them if they need support. I understand that it can be difficult to feel.

I remember to follow my own advice. I’m learning to care about myself the way I care about others. Yes, it may be easier to run and just “deal with it” later. I remind myself that it’s only easier at the moment. In the long run it truly just makes things worse. Ah yes, that’s why I have to live paycheck to paycheck with limited options for now. I ran too much and my problems caught up with me anyway.

So now I sit. I remind myself that I feel better when I write, especially while I’m sitting in the sunshine. Being around people will help me feel less alone. A shower will help me wash my troubles away and start fresh and clean. I used to go to casinos to have company. Now I truly do prefer a coffee shop or restaurant.

While I’m thinking, I create a healthy plan that I can take baby steps to carry out. I need baby steps today so I honor that. Anything too big will set me back farther.

Sitting allows me to regain my bearings. If I’m not moving I can’t make any rash decisions. It allows me to calm myself and get to a healthier place that can support me in my goal of living better. It feels like I am able to let my wound-up mind run around a playground to get it’s energy out…and then I can think more clearly when it’s tired of running.

So, when in doubt, sit and allow yourself the gift of an inner jungle gym. You will realize when it’s time to get up. You will feel more calm and peaceful. It will help you deal with life in a healthy way and you will feel better in the long run.

Choose a good life. You deserve it.

A few nights ago my husband and I were watching American Idol. We have only watched an episode or two throughout the time it has been airing. It hasn’t really caught our attention so far.

This time was different. Very different.

About six months ago when we were in Las Vegas we played the American Idol community video slots. It was a fun game with great wild symbols and bonus games. The sounds were pleasing to hear. The chairs were comfortable and the music was loud. It was like a gambler’s wonderland. Needless to say, I didn’t play them for too long because their hook was incredibly powerful. I knew that if I stayed for long I would lose my control. I’m not going there again. So I watched my husband and the others around us play. I like to call it research.

Fast forward to a few days ago. Cuddling on the couch, relaxing. The show goes to commercial and BAM! There it was.

We both looked at each other and said “Oh my gosh, did you notice that?”

We both felt a twitch go through us and we both felt the hook of that damn game. Neither of us were thinking about it during the show. But when we heard that music it was on!

So, what’s the big deal?

Awareness.

You need to be aware that throughout your life you will notice triggers or hooks, especially when you’re cutting back or quitting. Knowledge gives you the power to handle the situation in a healthier way.

I used to think that I needed to act on those triggers. If I heard it, and then I started thinking about it…even just rolling the game over in my head, it was incredibly difficult to do something else. I would follow through with the thoughts and go out to gamble, maybe even convincing myself that I was meant to hear that sound and that it was a lucky sign.

The reality, from my learned awareness, is that I have played the video and poker slots so much that it is engrained in my whole being. It’s not a lucky omen. It’s plain and simple repetition.

So many sounds could be a trigger if I let them. The coin machine at work. Any time a machine dispenses change. Numerous popular songs (think Rock Lobster for Lucky Larry) have been used for bonus games on video slots. The beeping of a card ready to be removed from an atm can give me that spark. What about a jingle on tv or a radio commercial?

If you let them creep into your head all of these things can overwhelm you and send you into another chase. A better option is to look at them straight on, see what they are doing to you and where it’s coming from…and make a better choice. Your life is truly up to you. You get to choose which direction you go.

Where do you want to go? Wouldn’t it feel great to take a step in that direction right now?

Best of luck.

P.S. My husband and I had a great conversation about the power of sounds and I want to thank him for his contribution to this post.

I prepared in advance. I made sure I was working so I would have something to do. I thought about whether or not I should be sad. I wondered if I was being selfish for still aching. Is this how it’s supposed to go?

Today my mom would have been 57.

Even when I distract myself for a while the pain remains just below the surface. When I was gambling more I was able to stuff it down farther. That’s probably part of the reason this is so challenging. I have to deal with old stuff too.

I could have chosen to escape. But I want to feel it. I want to experience the growth. I choose to be present for the pain. I consider it an honor to be alive.

Now, my heart remains broken. I’m not really sure why I have to be here alone. It’s the strangest feeling to not have any living blood family members I’m close to. I am relying on my faith in a bigger purpose. I have to. I am committed to help with addiction (especially gamblers).

So, I made myself get out of bed. I went to work today. I could have stayed silent about my pain. But I’m doing things differently now.

On dark days like this I have a tendency to think that I am alone in this world. Today I chose to ask for help. I chose to allow myself to be surrounded by caring friends. And I laughed. What an incredible blessing.

I looked for the hands to help me up when I wasn’t strong enough on my own.

Are you aware of the hands that are there to help you?

You aren’t alone either. Someone is there to help. Can you see them? Will you allow them to help?

Ask for it.

P.S. It feels a bit like I have been blathering on lately about allowing yourself to ask for the help, and opening your eyes to see it. I have been continually having to remind myself of these lessons. I’m not sure if I’m not letting it sink in too deeply, or if I’m not trusting it…or if I’ve just temporarily lost my mind. In any case, I keep writing about it because I keep going through it.

I am not alone. The help is there when I open my eyes to see it. I have incredible, caring and loving friends who are willing to hold my hand. I am truly blessed. Those moments when I can see the truth through the clouds of sadness are magical. Of course, you will have setbacks, but learning to hold on to the good things will help.

The sun will come out again…especially when I ask it to.

Do you remember what it’s like to see the light at the end of the tunnel?

I have been spending the majority of my time since my mom’s death honoring my sadness and confusion. I have been taking the time to breathe and allowing myself to heal. I have been grieving.

In some ways it feels like it has been hard work. It has been exhausting to feel so much sadness. Through most of my adult life I was so used to running away from my problems that it became second nature. I am still new at dealing with my pain. I’m still not great at sitting in my hurt. I am learning to be comfortable with my discomfort.

My therapist has explained to me that part of the reason I had my gambling addiction was that I was immediately comforting myself when I felt bad. It was like continually picking up a crying baby. I learned that I would stop crying when I gambled. I would always run away from my feelings. I would distract myself with something bigger than the pain I was getting away from.

Being aware that I was creating a bigger pain was frustrating for me. As I was growing up my mom would tell me that she would “give me something to cry about.” In my adult life I didn’t need her there to beat me up. Turns out I learned how to do that for myself.

Now I’m learning to sit in it. I’m taking the time to breathe through it. I’m dealing with things in a healthy way.

And it’s amazing to make it to the other side. I never had this feeling from gambling. I always ended up feeling even worse, even when I won. I would chase my wins or losses, panic and then start the cycle all over again. I am so grateful to be past that part of my life.

Today I felt better. Is it possible that my self care is paying off?

Yep. I have worked hard and I understand now that I deserve to feel good. I don’t need to have the instant gratification. Patiently waiting and truly healing is a much more clean and healthy feeling.

So, what does it feel like?

Well, I am happy. I feel lighter. I have more energy. I am encouraged that things are going to be ok. I am proud of myself for living through the dips and forgiving myself for not being perfect. The snow falling outside is beautiful and I’m grateful to be in my warm, safe and comfortable home. I’m even willing to ramble in a post. I am truly tickled to share that I actually cleaned part of the house today. It’s nice to feel like doing something productive. It’s nice to smile again.

Things are looking up. Thank you for being part of it!

Take care.

P.S. Please be patient with yourself as you work on feeling better. You are perfect in your imperfection. You do deserve to be happy and feel better too. You don’t need to beat yourself up anymore. You have done enough harm. I hope you choose to be kind to yourself!