Break the Silence

Dec 7, 2015 by

Sometimes life simply falls apart. No matter how hard you struggle to keep things in tact they just crumble anyway.

I used to wonder if there was a cosmic joke being played on me. Day to day living was exhausting but I never understood how much it affected me. I had learned to run away from my troubles at a young age and put up walls to keep people at a safe distance. I often tried to suck it up and just move on.

Gambling gave me an ideal out. I was able to take my mind off of any pain that came across my path, even if it was just for a little while. It also provided something tangible to be upset about so I could test the waters of emotions. I was losing money, security and safety. Suddenly it wasn’t about being a sissy not being able to deal with my silly feelings.

The relief was sweet. It was a brilliant mental break.

One thing that quickly became glaringly obvious was that the emotions hadn’t gone away after all. As soon as I stopped running they were there patiently waiting for me to see them.

Last June (2014) I was forced to sit. Literally. I watched my husband repeatedly try to die over the course of several weeks. Over the sounds of the beeping and ventilator in ICU I was given the gift of intensity accompanied by a heavy sprinkling of silence.

What I discovered was that the silence has morphed into a debilitating way of protecting myself. A handful of words can’t adequately describe the trauma I experienced in the hospital. I crawled into a cocoon to heal and I haven’t been ready to come out…until now.

I want to talk about it and I want to come back to the real world. I’m not crazy about being vulnerable, so I won’t be perfect. I have looked at the lessons in the rubble. They need to be shared. My story needs to be told.

When you have a husband who is a miracle not many people want to know how you are doing. They ask about him. Since this is my blog I will tell you the truth. He openly admits that he slept through it (he was in a coma). I, however, did not. And I continue to experience the repercussions a year and a half later. As I have been healing I essentially became invisible. I let him shine. Over this time I’ve told myself that nobody wants to hear from me anyway. I stepped aside but now I’m really tired of being ignored.

There isn’t any easy way to start. If you’ve been on this recovery journey with me you know that means one thing. You just start. Period. Do something.

So here I am.

I’ve spent my time writing my new book, but it doesn’t compare to the chats and everyday discoveries I can share on this blog. Even if nobody reads it I’ve got to start doing things that make myself feel better.

There are a several things to take away: taking care of yourself needs to be a priority, perfection is a waste of time and emotions won’t actually kill you.

It’s time to break the silence.

 

P.S. I can’t resist…where is the silence you need to break in your life? Remember that we need you!

Related Posts

Share This

4 Comments

  1. mary

    You’re great Kim! Love you! Please believe more in yourself as you are someone I find exceptional…by your integrity, your kindness, your attention to others and the fact that you show somehow we “gamblers” or “ancient gamblers” are struggling with the same problems and are not alone even when we feel ashamed and can’t share with those around us our difficulties to stop. Whatever, keep in touch and stop all negative remarks about yourself. Let me know if “the new book” has been published.. Blessings with my sincere affection and admiration Mary

    • Mary you remain one of my greatest supporters – I cherish you! Thanks so much for your kind words. I hope you’re feeling better and are healed. You have been in my prayers lovely lady!

  2. Lois Hancock

    Kim I am so glad to hear from you again. That you are blogging (new medium to me). I have missed seeing your talent in print. Love you, Lois H

Leave a Reply