Fighting With The Blank Slate

Dec 31, 2014 by

I have often said that once we have an awareness of our problems or concerns we have gained ground in our battle to freedom. If we aren’t aware of a situation we can’t improve the situation.

With that in mind, over the past year I have been aware that my creativity is drained. My focus has been in other places. The beginning of the year I was working on keeping my head above water dealing with anxiety issues. The second part of the year I shifted to being a caregiver for my husband.

This year has been magical and exhausting at the same time.

Earlier this year my anxiety got to a point where I couldn’t travel. My  functioning was shutting down. I didn’t want to leave the house. My speech was effected. I stuttered. I couldn’t string my sentences together. I certainly didn’t want other people to see me like that. Writing wasn’t an option when I couldn’t communicate.

I was lonely and I wanted to die.

Then, a day after I dragged my broken carcass on to a plane for healing in Phoenix, my husband had a brain aneurysm rupture. He was in a coma for 3 weeks this summer. The hospital stay was around 6 weeks. The majority of that time I sat by his side or wandered around the hospital. There was plenty of time to write.

But I couldn’t think straight. I was getting a crash course on living in the now. His life was literally in my hands. It was moment to moment. The hospital staff couldn’t tell me what kind of brain damage he would have. It was a significant bleed. Surely the effects would be severe.

The potential was there that he would literally be a blank slate and have to relearn most things.

This summer was the most emotionally exhausting time of my life. There were things uncovered that made me doubt our marriage. I looked into my soul in ways I never dreamed of. I gained clarity and healing. I shifted my priorities. I reached to a depth I never knew existed to have strength. You’ll have to read the book when it comes out for the beautiful miracles.

My life revolved around him for the most part. He relied on me quite a bit for the first time ever. He needed me. I was important. I liked that. The doctor appointments started easing up in October and he was able to go back to work part time.

I felt tossed aside and unimportant. What good was I now? I still couldn’t write very much. I felt like my brain had shriveled up and turned into a prune.

My husband and I had this new lease on life. We got to start over with a second chance. We were armed with priceless knowledge that needs to be shared with anyone who will listen.

And yet I fight it. Who am I to share this? Am I good enough to tell the story right? Running is so much easier. I’m tired, I mean tired, what will it hurt?

It hurts all of us.

Fall down seven times, get up eight.

This is the last day of 2014. Next year will be better. It has to be.

Blessings, Prosperity and Love in the New Year my friend!!!

Kim

P.S. I have decided to leave this post raw. I’m not proofreading it or editing it. This is me. Perfectly Imperfect.

 

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4 Comments

  1. Mary

    Dear Kim I very often think about you. Without even really knowing you, I love you a lot. i’m sorry for what happened to your husband. Mine is still not well at all. You are a great person, a beautiful writer. I hope 2015 will be more gentle to you Love and kisses Mary

    • Sweet Lady so good to hear from you! I admire your strength to stand by your husband’s side in his time of need. I understand more now. My thoughts and prayers are with you. My hope is that you and I both can enjoy a more peaceful and healthy 2015! Love and Hugs!

  2. Lois

    Good to see you back. Can’t wait for the book.
    Love,

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