The Gift of Headspace

Oct 9, 2014 by

Before my gambling addiction I took pride in being responsible. If I said I was going to do something you could be sure that I would make it happen.

Looking back I realize it was a point of confidence bordering on arrogance for me. It was also a heavy burden to bear because it was forced on me through my family’s situation. I didn’t get to have much of a childhood because I had to take care of my aging grandparents and my mother who refused to grow up.

I learned many valuable lessons from this time in my life. Ultimately the pressure got to me and became one of the reasons escape into a casino was so delicious. I didn’t have to feel so overwhelmed when I was gambling. It was a legal indulgence so I didn’t even have to worry about breaking the law. I was free to relax, play and ride the roller coaster of the wins and losses.

In recovery I realized that part of me is scared to take possession of that responsibility again. What if I can’t follow through? I’ll be the same flake I was in my addiction. I’ll just fail at it anyway. I’m not good enough. Nobody cares anyway so what’s the use? I also see responsibility as part of the problem that led me to gambling.

Everything can hold the gift of a life lesson. What you choose to do with it is the beauty of our freedom.

One of my Instagram friends @giftofsobriety wanted to help his followers get in touch with some peace so he presented a challenge to us. He created a contest that would encourage us to meditate and #sitforchange. We use an app called Headspace that gives you the first 10 sessions free. It’s got a pretty interface, cute little videos and I’m a sucker for the voice with a foreign accent. I’ve been needing some head space so I figured I would give it a go.

But I haven’t announced it until now.

I’ve got this raging self-sabotage that I fight with. I have been working on ways to make friends with it. I think I could be on to something with this latest go round. I’m on day 9 of the challenge. I wonder if I have been able to do it because I didn’t announce it. Maybe my process is doing it and then talking about it. Maybe my process just needed a little flip of the order. I think that baby steps are important to making progress. Maybe I have stumbled on to a solution for my sabotage. This would be HUGE if I have.

Did I mention this is an app on meditation? In my mind I think that I should meditate during the day, in the heat of the moment. But I wasn’t making the time during the day. By the time I was ready for bed I knew my commitment had reached the end of the line. Instead of using it as an excuse to fail I did it anyway. I had to practice self-care by telling my hubs he had to wait to get comfortable in bed. Some nights I fell asleep before the time ended. It was still playing so I know that my brain was absorbing it. During the days I think I have been calmer. I’m noticing a good feeling when I see the app on my phone’s home screen.

Through this challenge I allowed myself to succeed and I gained clarity along the way. That has absolutely been a gift to my sobriety.

Take care of yourselves my friends.

Oh, by the way, are you and I friends on social media yet? You can find me @janecares on Instagram, Twitter and Facebook. I would love to connect with you. On YouTube I’m whoisjane but I’m a shy one so I haven’t posted a video in a while so patience is a virtue there!

Also, if it speaks to you, follow @giftofsobriety on Instagram and pick up the free Headspace app.

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