Going, Going, Gone

Mar 25, 2014 by

I thought I finally had it under control.

When I was sitting in Chick-fil-A I felt like I had an epiphany and that things were going to be ok from then on.

I thought I had executed that last minute, arm flailing balancing act just before I hit the ground. It’s ugly and exhausting but at least it saves some pain.

Wrong.

Going, going…gone.

My life all came crashing down.

It’s hard to know exactly how it happened but now that I have some distance I can look back and see clues.

Allow me to put this out there right away: I am not proud of this place. It is still incredibly tender. I’m frustrated that I’m here.

So why talk about it?

I believe that my gambling addiction (among other things – upbringing, relationships, work, etc.) helped make my brain a scrambled chemical mess. Years of constant fight or flight and heightened states of awareness have messed me up. Nope, that’s not a medical opinion. I just know how I feel and what some of my research has shown me.

The important thing is that I believe a piece has to do with my addiction. Since you’re here, you may be struggling with the same types of issues.

And so I write.

The past few months have been tricky to navigate. Let me sum them up:

Quit job and lose most personal contact with friends and support system (I’m terrible at reaching out to people because I don’t want to “bother” them).

Sell house. Move to another part of the country (may as well be another planet).

Find and buy new house (pick right neighborhood, price, location, etc.).

Unpack and settle into new house, trying to make it a home and finding a fair amount of your stuff damaged in the moving process.

Oh, and do this mostly alone because hubs needs to spend much of his time working at his new job.

My cat has become my best friend. She’s a fantastic listener but her conversational skills are pretty limited. And she has been known to be a bit rude (she can be a biter).

So, here’s how it went:

Moved. Welcomed change, felt great. New place, new life, new chance for about 45 days. ***stuff was still in storage.

Company. Going – stressed —>

Moved again. Thrilled with our new place. ***stuff delivered to us.

Sick.

Company. Going – stressed —>

Sick.

Company. Going

Breakdown. Gone.

I believe that the company I had gave me a welcome distraction to the way I was feeling. In some ways I wonder if it just prolonged the inevitable.

I began feeling off just after we moved into our new house. The freedom of the furnished apartment disappeared when our stuff was delivered. All of a sudden the weight and baggage of my past was dumped in a brand new garage.

I could tell that something wasn’t right. My nerves were jangled and I barely had any energy. I actually went to a doctor before the crash. My stress levels and mental state were underestimated. I chose the wrong treatment option.

My internal debate has raged on about whether or not to talk about it while I’m going through it. The trouble with this experience has been that it has gone on longer than I had ever imagined. It’s bigger than me.

I am exhausted, mentally and physically.

I am sick and tired of being sick and tired.

When you get so far down it’s hard to come back up though. I’m nervous about drugs, but I agreed to begin antidepressants as a way to kick start my healing. A month into it the medicine has been making me nauseous. I feel mentally better but physically I feel worse.

The desperation and loss of control feel familiar. I think I have been here before. It feels very much the same as my gambling addiction without the gambling.

Now it’s time to work it.

Take Care,

Kim

P.S. Have you noticed that when you moved past one thing it came back around with a different look?

 

 

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2 Comments

  1. Mary

    Dear Kim,
    Thank you for sharing this. I appreciate your authenticity and agree that if we manage to give up an addiction without solving the core of the problem, we just displace it somewhere else. But the important thing is not to get discouraged and carry on “moving” inside ourselves. Will write to you longer later on. Love and blessings!

  2. Mary

    Thanks for sharing, dear Kim. You will always be a fantastic person to me who unfortunately lives on the other side of the world…With love from France

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