That’s Not Me

Dec 4, 2013 by

Last night a post on Facebook really caught my eye.

One of my high school classmates was standing on a rock in Machu Picchu with her arms stretched out and the biggest grin on her face. Then I saw another one of my classmates tagged in the same picture. She went on the trip too?! Damn. I have wanted to go for 20 years. 

I looked at the post and wanted to go deeper. I went over to her page. It was the tip of the iceberg.

I scrolled through her Facebook feed in true introverted stalker style. It was hard to get away from my feelings as a girl. She was too good for me then. I didn’t feel that I was good enough to talk to her when we were teenagers. I bet she would talk to me now if I message her. But wouldn’t that be creepy?

Huh huh, hey, uh, what are you doing these days? (Think Beavis and Butthead)

No.

She goes to so many fabulous places. The pictures she posts show her having fun and laughing in beautiful clothes with perfect hair and makeup.

She said that celebrities aren’t all that and that she’s been around plenty.

I wonder if she’s a model.

She was always so…flamboyant. Large and In Charge, you know? She intimidated me. I wanted to be outgoing too. I wanted to have fun. I wanted to be like her.

But that’s not me.

I love watching my thoughts.

What do you mean that’s not me?

I travel at least once a month.

I meet and mingle with celebrities (athletes).

I have fun.

My life is far from routine.

What the hell am I thinking?

Lack.

I focus on the fabulous things and say I want them. I don’t stop to think about what I have. I’m looking out there when I actually have them in here. I noticed today it seems to center around my money issues that are bringing my self worth down. I haven’t felt worthy. I can afford things that would make me feel better but I choose not to spend the money. When I was gambling I chose to spend the money on slot machines but I wasn’t very good to myself. I have been underearning and not giving myself the power to receive.

Just when I thought I was doing pretty good! Lol. I found more learning opportunities!

Today I shifted my focus.

Today I was noticing being around money. I watched my impression of money without feeling the lack. It was more appreciation. I enjoyed watching the nice cars and fancy clothes.

Hey! That’s a great car!

Oh! I like that bag!

Yes! I love that hair color!

I am now hot on a mission.

Lets call it Project Money Love.

There will definitely be more to come on that!

Blessings and Care,

Kim

 

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3 Comments

  1. Mary

    You’re great dear Kim What extraordinary authenticity! I went shopping this morning to buy my Xmas presents and realised this year I would just have to be less generous because I was really trying to fix up my financial problems due to such stupideness this past year! I was fortunate to meet you via the Web, read several books, including yours on gambling. Like a shock to reality. It’s strange: I no longer even have the desire to gamble in any way since then! Think it has something to do with your incredible kindness in your emails which enabled me to share certain difficult things about my past and childhood. Will write soon to give you more news! But don’t worry : you will travel! I’ve always dreamed of seeing the Machu Pichu. Perhaps we could make it together one day before I get too old! Who knows??? Love and blessings!

    • Thanks so much for taking the time to share Mary! I love your support and optimism! I would enjoy a trip with you and it would be a pleasure to even meet you some day. I will hold that in my thoughts. Blessings my Friend!

      • Mary

        You’re great Kim, an example and a living sign that our fells can somehow become our achievements. The main thing is to be honest with oneself and find someone like you with whom we are not afraid to share our real problems. I think my main problem was that: I was too ashamed of what I was doing to be truthful with anyone about it! Whatever, a great New year to you and those who are lucky to share your life! Please keep me in your thoughts as my life is not easy. I’m sure we”ll meet some day. Blessings!

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