Take the Towel

Nov 10, 2013 by

Last week I heard my husband say that he wanted some new towels. He didn’t like the color of the ones we had in our apartment.

I look for little opportunities to make him happier and make his life easier. This one would be easy.

The next time we were at a store I was excited to suggest that we buy some new towels. I was happy to show him that I listened to him. It would show him that I care and that I love him. It would get me some appreciation and love in return. It would fluff my self esteem.

If only he had remembered that he wanted them. I refreshed his memory and he laughed and said that he was only joking about getting new ones.

Normal people would have been fine and moved on. Not me though, oh no. I threw a fit. I questioned him. I made him prove that he really was joking. But you said this and you said that.

This is over a towel.

Step back.

When I get distance away from a situation I can gain some clarity. I learned that I lashed out because I felt rejected. I wanted to help and he didn’t let me. I fought with him a while at first. Then I wanted to run away from him. I experienced a fight or flight response. Since I couldn’t have my way then I wanted to escape. This is where my gambling habit would have fit perfectly. At least I knew that I could play video poker and video slots right. It would have been nice to numb out for a while. I just sulked instead. Then I took a nap. And, this is crazy, I actually talked to my husband.

I’m thankful that I don’t get the strong cravings to gamble any more. It still proves to be frustrating actually working through emotions instead of stuffing them down. The important thing to me is that I haven’t given up.

Old habits sure die hard. I want to work more on my self esteem so I won’t have to worry so much about getting my validation from another person. I would rather live my life like a ship rocking on the sea than the bouncing ball that is happening now.

At the moment I recognize that tomorrow I need to write earlier in the day because I want to go to bed now. Look at me! I’m learning all sorts of things about myself lately! Blessings my friends.

Take care,

Kim

 

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