Dancing Around a Milestone

Nov 18, 2013 by

It entered my mind earlier this week.

November 17, 2011 my mom died. I lost the last blood relative I know.

I quickly checked the calendar to see what day the 17th fell on this year. Sunday. Then I let it go. Maybe it won’t bother me this year.

Saturday afternoon rolled around and hubs sat me down for a talk.

He asked me

Can I do anything right?

Apparently I had been in a bitchy mood all day. His words stirred something inside of me. He was spot on. I didn’t feel good in my skin and I certainly didn’t have any patience. I saw very little point in even breathing. After he talked to me I did, however, want to save him from more pain so I agreed to work on being nice.

That evening I was sitting on the toilet and I started to cry.

Honey, are you ok?
No.

In that moment I realized I miss my mom. I had unknowingly arrived at the eve of a milestone. Hubs rushed in and gave me a big hug, said he was sorry that he had forgotten and asked how he could help.

Yesterday was THE day. Hubs did everything in his power to make me comfortable.

My attitude was like a bouncing ball. I swung from down in the dumps and crawling under the covers to feeling angry and dumping it on him. I felt completely possessed and out of control.

It’s such a blessing that my hubs loves me. That helped immensely. He is the closest family I have and I cherish him.

This marks the beginning of a difficult holiday season for me. It gets easier as the years go by but it still aches to be the last one standing. On the bright side, we don’t fight over which family’s house to spend our time.

To ease my pain I have eyed the “victory cruise.” I could fly to Vegas. I could drive to the Hard Rock in Tampa. There are plenty of options to escape into the smoke, darkness and neon of the timeless casino. Gambling would give me the chance to rest my brain and, at least, give me a different, more familiar pain. It would be like visiting with an old friend. You know the one.

Tomorrow I will tell you how I deal with it.

Thanks for being with me my friends. Never alone.

Blessings,
Kim

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4 Comments

  1. (Hugs) That’s all I’ve got. I’m in the lows right now. Thank goodness we both have husbands who help us when they know we’re THIS vulnerable. Snuggle up in those strong arms when you can and realize the rest of us are always hugging you from afar.

  2. lois

    Kim, I did not realize it either. I too am sorry for not being aware of the date and the pain this would bring. Wishing we were closer to possibly be of help to you. You are loved..

    • On the off chance that one day it won’t bother me I’d prefer to keep it out of your memory. Next year will be better. Thanks for the love. Your involvement in my life helps ease the pain. Love you!

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