Don’t Speak

Sep 3, 2013 by

I haven’t typed a post since the end of July. I’ve been writing on scraps of paper and even journaling in a notebook but I haven’t been able to bring myself to my blog.

Why?

I have allowed myself to slip into a dangerous mental game. I have given my power away to others. I have listened to less supportive folks around me and have been sucked in by their negative views of doing things:

  • You say too much on Facebook
  • You watch too many marketing videos
  • I didn’t say that, I said this.
  • You aren’t feeling that, you are feeling this.

I have been bombarded with so many stressful situations and words that I more or less shut down.

I decided not to speak.

That was a bad idea.

I feel miserable when I don’t get my words and feelings out. I literally feel the anxiety and tension increasing in my body. I blow up on people without really even being able to think through my words. I prove the negative people right because I am scrambling to be somebody other than myself. It’s so much work to try pleasing people when it just doesn’t sit right inside.

I find myself longing to do things that feel good to me. I want to share my life and my experience with folks who want to read about it. Then the negativity comes in and says “why bother?” The folks in power will just tell me I’m doing the wrong thing again. Argh.

It’s hard to be on a continual teeter totter. I gain some strength and move forward a bit but then my programming pushes me back down. I get frustrated because I know better than to be sucked into this craziness. In moments of clarity and caring I push as hard as I can to get myself out of the rut.

Think of a car that gets stuck in the mud or the snow.

You rock it forward and backward. If that doesn’t work sometimes you put a board underneath or some ice melt. Anything that will get you some traction. When all else fails you can even call a tow truck…or leave the truck until either the mud dries or the snow melts.

I’m actively looking for ways to find my traction. I have been watching those “unapproved” marketing videos again. They inspire me. I have been listening to positive music that feeds my soul. I have been reading more inspirational books and magazines. I have been taking more pictures and posting them on Facebook. I have been consciously breathing (so frustrating that I am holding my breath again).

I have been using my voice.

And man oh man I am sure feeling better! Now the key is to continue caring and working on moving myself forward. I realize that I won’t be perfect every day but I understand that its part of the forward movement. I am relearning what makes sense to me.

My hope is that you will take a look at where you are in life as you went through this post. Speak your own truth. Don’t let anyone dim the light of who you are. There is only one you – and you are incredibly special.

Blessings my friends,

Kim

 

 

 

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2 Comments

  1. Cindy

    Wow – you hold your breath too – I just started noticing how much of the time I do it. Any thoughts around why this happens? Thank you again for sharing, Kim – you are just so real.

    • I’m not sure why I hold my breath. I have noticed that when I get stressed I tend to stop breathing as well. Funny thing is that when I start breathing again I feel better. When I’m ready I make an effort to concentrate on taking air in and out. I think I’m still addicted to the drama of things. My body has really tensed up too. I think I’m ready for life to slow down again because I’m noticing that I’m wanting to stretch and breathe.

      Hearing you tell me that I’m so real is the ultimate compliment for me. Thank you!

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