Looking For My Place In the World

Jun 30, 2013 by

Do you feel like you belong?

This was my life Then:

Several years ago I gambled so much in the casinos that I had hosts who were happy to see me. They wanted to make me comfortable so I would come back to play more. My time and money were wanted.

My mom was constantly asking when I was going to come and see her. Our relationship was a challenge, but she was my mom and it was good to feel like she wanted to spend time with me.

When we moved to Denver 3 years ago my husbands children were 10 and 15 years old. When my husband was working I drove them around to school and their other activities. I was needed.

This is my life Now:

I work hard to earn my money. My inheritance is long gone. I am more mindful of my spending habits and I certainly won’t be dumping much of it into the casinos anymore! I won’t tip a cocktail waitress $20 anymore because I value my money and don’t have the need to look like a big shot. I no longer have a casino host and I’m not recognized in any of the casinos.

My mom died a year and a half ago. Every now and then I think I feel her but she certainly doesn’t need me to come visit.

My husbands children are bigger now. One has a car and the other one can walk home. Or they can call their mom to help. Either way the kids are covered.

Where do I fit in?

I am going through a bit of an identity crisis. I haven’t written anything because one minute I have complete clarity and then the next it turns into a fuzzy mess. My moods have been up and down like a bouncing rubber ball. My once sure footing has turned into a slippery sheet of ice. I am struggling with issues of safety and security in life. I don’t feel wanted most of the time and I am continually trying to get out of the way.

Charming, isn’t it?

This has been a fabulous learning curve, to say the least. I am questioning who I am and figuring out where I fit into the world. I haven’t been able to make myself sit down with a special set of questions to guide me. I can’t say that I’ve seen some special light that will show me the way. It feels like I am wading through a swamp of muck and mud where its a struggle to even move.

I’ve grown tired of my confusion and defensiveness. I understand what it takes to change but I haven’t usually had the energy or mental capacity to do it. Every now and then I see bits of sunshine peeking through the clouds. Gradually, bit by bit, I am fighting my way to some sense of true personality.

What difference does my place make?

I have noticed that the spiral seems to go up or down, rarely is it flat.

I like to help people. When my help is rejected I get cranky, defensive and start spiraling downward. I can literally feel my body become more tense, my heart rate increase and my mind start racing. When I am able to help someone I feel lighter. Suddenly I am worth while and life is good. I smile more and I make more jokes.  I have more energy and I am friendlier to others around me.

This is just one example.

If I take the time to learn what fulfills me then I can make the steps toward those things. Unless, of course, I don’t truly want to feel better. I am working on accepting myself even if don’t want to grow. If I need to wallow then I want to learn to honor where I’m at. I won’t stay there forever. The trick is trying to figure out what’s going on. If I’m feeling down the chances are good that something is bothering me. Those pesky feelings I’m developing have the darndest ways of showing themselves. Or not.

So, here is a thought chain: Finding my place in the world helps me feel better which in turn makes my relationships better which in turn makes my overall life better.

I know in my heart that I am meant for bigger things. I am learning how to be vulnerable and open without toxic defensiveness. I’m not used to feeling good but I want to. It is a challenge I am willing to take on. I will find what brings me joy and the ways I can make my mark on the world. Slowly but surely I will succeed.

You know you are meant for big things too, right? You just have to find your way. Thanks for allowing me to be part of your journey.

Blessings,

Kim

 

 

 

 

 

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