Forgiveness

Apr 16, 2013 by

Last week I was driving to work and mentally grumbling to myself. I was wondering why “she” had to act that way and make my life so miserable. Why did “they” insist on disrespecting me and being so selfish. Why are “his” words so full of hate? Why can’t “they” just be different?

Victim, victim, victim.

My attention drifted to the radio. Matthew West was playing an acoustic version of his song “Forgiveness.”

Ha, ha, ha. I had to chuckle at this universal reminder.

I was on a roll feeling abused by other people. It felt like the right thing. And then, bam. Forgiveness. I wanted to go back to the same train of thought I had before the song. However, as I mentioned in the last post, I am working on growing my spiritual side again. Clearly this was a reminder that I needed to check myself.

Re-evaluate.

What were my parts in the experiences? How can I look at them differently to change what I can? Where do I need to forgive?

I thought about these things, took them to heart and carried on with my day.

It came down to responsibility.

Throughout my interactions with people I have been reminded that I can’t change them, I can only change myself. I am responsible for my own thoughts and actions. More importantly I am responsible for my own reactions.

Argh. The frustrating part? I want to give up and run. I don’t speak very well. When an opportunity to practice personal responsibility presents itself I work on responding more appropriately. It is definitely a work in progress.

I have been focusing outside of myself and looking to forgive other people for what they have done to me. Truth be told I’m figuring out that what I really need to understand is that I have allowed their behavior to affect me. I have given them permission to hurt my heart.

Now my priority is to forgive myself first.

I’m not so sure that I’m being a victim. I wonder if my feelings have just been hurt and I haven’t been able to identify it. I wish that I had completely surrounded myself with people who would protect me…because I haven’t been protecting myself. I hang on to the words of others for validation. I don’t trust myself for an accurate opinion yet. The rebuilding process from my gambling addiction has been a difficult one and I’ve made some poor choices along the way.

I can’t change the past but I can focus on where I am now. I can make better choices with the knowledge I have gained from my experiences.

I have done the best I could with what I had.

And that has been enough…for today.

Forgive yourselves my friends,

Kim

 

P.S. A few days after I heard the song on the radio the cd crossed my desk at work. Apparently I needed a pretty big reminder.

 

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