Will the Past Repeat Itself?

Sep 12, 2012 by

How do you feel when someone tells you:

You have done it before, you will do it again.

I hate it when people say that to me. That’s the sign of someone giving up on me. They don’t have faith in my ability to change. You know what’s even worse? When that is the thought that went through my own head.

Why bother? It’s always been that way and it always will be that way.

Of course the past will repeat itself. Right?

WRONG!

It’s so easy to give up on myself, especially when others’ faith has wavered. I care about the opinion of others. I’m not good at trusting myself yet. As I learn and grow I can see that it is possible that other people can be wrong about who I am and what I’m capable of.

All of this is coming to the surface from a discussion I had with a friend today. You see, I defended another friend when I probably should have stayed out of it. I am really protective of people close to me. As it happens, I made a man mad. His anger frightens me.

I was talking about my situation when I heard it:

“If you wave a red flag in front of a bull it’s going to charge. You have done this before and you will do it again.”

That made me mad. But I thought about it. He’s right. I have done it before. I stir things up (wave the red flag) and then run. I haven’t learned yet. What will it take for me to figure it out? The bottom line is that the consequences of my actions haven’t been painful enough for me to work on it yet.

This time I’m scared. I am so nervous from the Aurora Theater Shootings and life around here lately that I’m edgy. What if my actions will truly have some serious consequences?

I sat with my friends comment all day. I rolled it over in my head. I had a vivid visual image of me in front of this angry bull (man).

I decided to go to Google for more information on bulls and red flags. I listened to my gut (Jane) on this one. Usually I wouldn’t look into it. however, this time I wanted to change my way of thinking about it as soon as possible. As it turns out, moving red color isn’t the only thing the bull charges at. It charges at blue and white too. Now I’m on to something!

Bulls charge at movement!

That changes everything!

You might be wondering what that has to do with repeating the past. All along I was wrong about the red color. I had a story in my mind and I went along with it.

Where did I get this story?

Other people told me and I believed them.

Until I decided to think for myself. I did my own research. I took the time to see what was real for me! I found strength in discovering my own story.

I can change things. I get to choose how I live my life. I won’t always repeat the same mistakes I have made in the past. When the pain is stronger than the ease of the known I gain power.

I am making a conscious decision to be careful with the angry “bull”. I have a healthy respect for his anger. I choose not to make any sudden “movements” or jokes. I don’t need to be his pal. I am happy to put him back into his “holding pen”.

This time I will listen to my own voice and do what will care for myself. Caring about others is a good quality that I would like to keep, but I need to continue to work on my boundaries. I can’t drag myself down when others refuse to stand up on their own. My level of protection needs to be put in check. I want to work on protecting myself first. I am embracing self-care. It feels so selfish to type that. However, I believe in my heart that I have to be ok before I can effectively support others. Being stronger will help me achieve my goals and allow me to be true to myself.

I am changing my future!

Can you see ways you can change your future as well? Is the pain enough to do something about it? Every moment can be a new beginning. I’d love to hear your experiences. We can grow stronger through sharing.

Take Care,

Kim

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