The Healing Continues

Sep 28, 2012 by

There is no time frame for the healing of your heart. It isn’t black or white. You don’t wake up one day and decide that you’re cured. You don’t just quit cold turkey.

It ebbs and flows like the ocean.

The ups and downs of the healing can massage you. It can also beat you up. You learn new things about yourself along the way. It moulds you into a new person. You are never the same from moment to moment. Our very nature is to change as each second passes.

My mom passed away at the end of November, 2011. I still haven’t been able to bring myself to look through her wallet. I haven’t spread her ashes. I can’t look at the poster her friends signed in her honor at her memorial. I have been hoping that the passing time would make things better, easier.

When the 7/20 shootings occurred in Aurora my grief issues were poked. I’m contemplating the meaning of life. And death. I’m well aware that a random person can change my life forever. I’m scared. I get paranoid. My eyes well up with tears when I see a Dark Knight tshirt. My heart aches. However, I’m learning to practice my gratitude. I hold my relationships closer. I comfort myself.

Ebb and flow.

I went to a secondary trauma talk at my library this past week. I learned about effects of stress. I took the time to think of ways I can help myself deal with tragedy and the feelings it has brought up for myself and my community. They weren’t anything new. I just needed the reminder. I was comforted when I saw that my reactions are normal. I am not alone. I like that.

I’ve started letting go of the physical form of my mother again. My healing had reached a plateau for a while. I’m ready to move forward.

As I type this I’m sitting at my favorite “lake” in Chandler. I wrote a lot of my book here. It’s a place of healing for me. I want my mom to be here with me. So I brought some of her ashes with me (thanks to a few nudges). Watching her ashes floating down to the water was surreal. And yet beautiful. I choose to see her as a source of pleasure and laughter in my life now. The only way she can hurt me in the present moment is if I choose to let my memories of her stay negative.

I bet that on many levels you can relate. You may even feel your heart strings tugging because I am reminding you of something that has happened in your life. The reason I share these things is to show a vulnerable way of dealing with the pain. We are connected in miraculous ways. When I start beating myself up for not being perfect (not healing fast enough, learning enough, making more money, losing less money, etc) I will inevitably find a story of someone sharing who they truly are. And I am comforted. My hope is to provide you comfort on your tumultuous path.

Healing is about taking steps the best way you can. Reminders or nudges from friends can help motivate you when you’ve lost your way. I hope my words can bring you a sense of having a friend by your side on your journey. I used gambling as a way to numb myself from the pain of loss. Now I use gambling as a thread that gives us community. Give yourself a break.

Take Care,

Kim

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