How Do I Care?
Life deals us a variety of hands we weren’t expecting. The way we process them is a product of our experiences. When I get to the point of having too much to handle I tend to freeze. Maybe if I just hold still and cover my head a solution will magically present itself.
The more I leave things alone, the more they bury me with a cycle of destruction.
When I’m feeling the stress of not speaking up for myself at home I get snarky at work. Somehow the MOAs (mad on arrivals) find my line and I have to deal with them. To make myself “feel better” I will go to a fast food place after work and get some jalapeño poppers. I get upset with myself the next morning because my clothes don’t fit and I can’t seem to lose that extra 5 lbs.
If I look carefully at the process I can see plenty of craziness on the surface. Why would I care about anything when I have all of that insanity to fight through? Wouldn’t it be easier just to escape into a fantasy world? Gambling used to sooth the pain and provide excitement, a sense of accomplishment and a feeling of being alive. That sounds nice. Maybe I should try that again.
As part of that cycle of destruction I now understand the true cost of gambling. I didn’t take care of my money because I was sure my luck would turn. Now I work and struggle paycheck to paycheck. So, nope, that’s not a good idea.
The surface issues are all just a way to stay in the drama of life. I have been addicted to that drama. If I have something to hide from I don’t have to accept the responsibility of caring…about anything. I have excuses to protect me from my fear of being hurt because I’m vulnerable.
My family is gone. I hate where I’m living. I don’t have enough money. My relationship is extremely difficult. I am alone in life. I don’t matter. Nobody likes me. I am always wrong. I’m a terrible step-parent. I am out of control. Nobody wants to hear from me anyway.
Well with that attitude, why would I care?
I know that some of you reading this can identify with my feelings. We gamble to make the pain of being who we are, where we are just go away for a while. It’s nice to get some relief from it.
However, our problems are still with us and usually getting worse.
We, collectively, have to dig deep through all the surface junk and find the soft spot that needs nurturing. We have to find the burning desire to want to do better. We have to believe that we deserve better. We have to figure out how to care and our lives will change in ways we would never have imagined (after all, do we dare dream now?).
It’s time to become Queen of my own growing Heart. Next time you’re playing poker or gambling will you consider the Queen of Hearts and be reminded that it’s time for you to take care of your heart?