How Am I Dealing With It?
I wrote this post a few weeks ago. I suppose I could have just tossed it in the trash but in the spirit of sharing I am choosing to publish it now. We all go through our rough spots.
What matters is how we deal with them.
A few days ago my marriage therapist asked me how I was dealing with my mother’s death.
Dealing with it? Well, time is passing and isn’t that supposed to heal things? Am I supposed to DO something?
I have been pondering the answer to her question since she asked. The picture I see is not good. I’ve been sleeping more. I’ve stopped doing household chores. I’ve been playing games more. I’ve been hanging out and talking with friends more so I can bury myself in their problems or lives. Simply put, I’ve been running and hiding.
I haven’t stopped long enough to feel much. When I do, I fall apart, sobbing and feeling a flood of grief wash over me. That really sucks.
This is where I feel that I owe you an apology. I realize that a lot of folks read this blog and take comfort knowing that they aren’t alone in their struggle with gambling and the aftermath. I haven’t been there for you lately. I haven’t been able to pull myself together enough to keep writing and offer my hand. For that I am truly sorry. My passion and desire to help with gambling issues hasn’t wavered. It’s just that I am going through a personal crisis.
I am frustrated to say that I haven’t handled it the way I know is best. I have leaned on my old habit of not dealing with it and hoping it will just go away. The pain has been too overwhelming for me to do it a better way. I am at another point of understanding…and forgiveness.
I am working on forgiving myself for…well, being me. A vulnerable, sensitive human being who has been devastated by a loss. The thought just entered my mind that my mom used to tell me she’d give me something to cry about. Indeed she has. Weakness wasn’t an option with her. I was taught to be “strong”. “Suck it up Kimberly Cathryn.”
I can’t mom. I’m sorry, but I can’t. It isn’t working. I have made appointments to begin grief counseling. I am taking steps to get back on track. I don’t want to do it the old way. I’m reminded of my gambling addiction. If you have read my book, Numb No More, you know that the addiction was triggered by loss in my life. I don’t want to walk down that path again. I have to fight.
So how am I handling it? I’m beginning to fight…for life.
I hope you forgive me. And I hope you forgive yourself for the struggles in your life. Everybody goes through tough times and won’t always make good decisions. The key is figuring out when it’s time to change course. And then allowing yourself the love and encouragement to do it.
Strength and blessings my friend.