When In Doubt, Sit With It

Feb 2, 2012 by

 

What to do, what to do? I am feeling lost and unsure of which way to go. I have tasks in front of me, but no desire to do anything. I’m lonely and I want to hide. I’m sad and missing the bond of my mom. I feel like an empty shell.

I am barely capable of just staring into space, yet that’s what I find myself doing.

I was tempted to go to Las Vegas today. I had plenty of excuses. The weather in Denver is supposed to turn to clouds and snow. My husband will be out of town. I deserve a tiny vacation. It would be nice to relax. Well, you get the idea.

All of these excuses sounded perfectly reasonable to me. Then I shared them with my husband and the voice of reason stepped in.

What are you running from?

That hurt my pride a bit. After my initial poor reaction I started to think about it. He was right. I do want to escape.

I want to run away from being me. I want to distract myself from my pain. Chances are good I want to go back to a comfortable feeling of pain.

Gamble, lose, feel worse.

At least it would be a pain that was different than my grief. Maybe even a more legitimate pain. These feelings of loss I’m going through shouldn’t be taking so long. Shouldn’t I be getting back to normal by now? Maybe I shouldn’t even really be sad because she was so mean to me anyway.

I have several friends going through the loss of relationships. I have friends losing their homes and unable to pay their bills.

Whether it’s from their gambling or life in general I offer them a supportive hand and tell them that it won’t always be this way. I tell them that when they sit in their discomfort they will be able to heal it better because they will be dealing with it instead of running from it. I let them know that my hand is here for them if they need support. I understand that it can be difficult to feel.

I remember to follow my own advice. I’m learning to care about myself the way I care about others. Yes, it may be easier to run and just “deal with it” later. I remind myself that it’s only easier at the moment. In the long run it truly just makes things worse. Ah yes, that’s why I have to live paycheck to paycheck with limited options for now. I ran too much and my problems caught up with me anyway.

So now I sit. I remind myself that I feel better when I write, especially while I’m sitting in the sunshine. Being around people will help me feel less alone. A shower will help me wash my troubles away and start fresh and clean. I used to go to casinos to have company. Now I truly do prefer a coffee shop or restaurant.

While I’m thinking, I create a healthy plan that I can take baby steps to carry out. I need baby steps today so I honor that. Anything too big will set me back farther.

Sitting allows me to regain my bearings. If I’m not moving I can’t make any rash decisions. It allows me to calm myself and get to a healthier place that can support me in my goal of living better. It feels like I am able to let my wound-up mind run around a playground to get it’s energy out…and then I can think more clearly when it’s tired of running.

So, when in doubt, sit and allow yourself the gift of an inner jungle gym. You will realize when it’s time to get up. You will feel more calm and peaceful. It will help you deal with life in a healthy way and you will feel better in the long run.

Choose a good life. You deserve it.

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