Ask For It

Jan 15, 2012 by

I prepared in advance. I made sure I was working so I would have something to do. I thought about whether or not I should be sad. I wondered if I was being selfish for still aching. Is this how it’s supposed to go?

Today my mom would have been 57.

Even when I distract myself for a while the pain remains just below the surface. When I was gambling more I was able to stuff it down farther. That’s probably part of the reason this is so challenging. I have to deal with old stuff too.

I could have chosen to escape. But I want to feel it. I want to experience the growth. I choose to be present for the pain. I consider it an honor to be alive.

Now, my heart remains broken. I’m not really sure why I have to be here alone. It’s the strangest feeling to not have any living blood family members I’m close to. I am relying on my faith in a bigger purpose. I have to. I am committed to help with addiction (especially gamblers).

So, I made myself get out of bed. I went to work today. I could have stayed silent about my pain. But I’m doing things differently now.

On dark days like this I have a tendency to think that I am alone in this world. Today I chose to ask for help. I chose to allow myself to be surrounded by caring friends. And I laughed. What an incredible blessing.

I looked for the hands to help me up when I wasn’t strong enough on my own.

Are you aware of the hands that are there to help you?

You aren’t alone either. Someone is there to help. Can you see them? Will you allow them to help?

Ask for it.

P.S. It feels a bit like I have been blathering on lately about allowing yourself to ask for the help, and opening your eyes to see it. I have been continually having to remind myself of these lessons. I’m not sure if I’m not letting it sink in too deeply, or if I’m not trusting it…or if I’ve just temporarily lost my mind. In any case, I keep writing about it because I keep going through it.

I am not alone. The help is there when I open my eyes to see it. I have incredible, caring and loving friends who are willing to hold my hand. I am truly blessed. Those moments when I can see the truth through the clouds of sadness are magical. Of course, you will have setbacks, but learning to hold on to the good things will help.

The sun will come out again…especially when I ask it to.

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