The Final Phone Call

Dec 6, 2011 by

The last time I received that final phone call was 12 years ago, close to the day.

Are you Kim? Yes. I regret to inform you…

Both times I put on my brave voice, thanked them and then experienced my true reactions in private.

Last time I cried a little and lashed out a lot. I focused on what I had to do to get the arrangements over with. It was much more of a business transaction than the loss of the man who raised me like a princess. He was old, now he’s dead. Get over it. I built a wall that no one could penetrate, including my husband at the time (Lee for those who have read Numb No More). I escaped into the world of the casinos and slowly, but surely, I had better things to worry about due to my gambling.

This time I curled up into a ball and sobbed in the darkness of my closet. My mom (Amber) was really gone. I could hardly even breathe. I called my husband. He left work immediately so he could come home to comfort me. The kids found me in the closet and hugged me and shared their love with me. I thought about putting that brave face on, but I was in too much pain.

I have made so much progress in the past 12 years.

Today I strive each and every day to live my life with feelings. I write about them to express and sort through what I’m really feeling. I meet with a counselor to help figure out what’s going on. I’m still not great at being outward in real time, so to speak, but I am working on it. I have been sitting in the emotions and experiencing the roller coaster with my mom’s death.

This final phone call has truly opened Pandora’s Box. Every single thing I have ever been through therapy for has popped up in the last few weeks. I am exhausted, and yet I am proud. I am doing things differently. I am grateful to be feeling my way through life…and death.

How do you handle the things that are painful to you? Are you satisfied with the way it turns out for you?

Sometimes escape is ok. The trouble comes in when it’s used as the normal way of “dealing” with things. Finding a healthy balance helps us process through our pain and allows it to be resolved. Putting on my brave face is only a way to protect others, while hurting myself. Stuffing down my emotions only hides them for a while. They lurk in the background waiting to be seen. It has been my experience that the faster I run from them, the bigger pains they become. When I deal with my emotions as I feel them it allows me to release and let go more easily. I am committed to living my life in freedom.

My mom’s death has truly been a beautiful beginning. Look for it in posts to follow.

R.I.P.ma

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