Living in the Past

Jul 2, 2011 by

I wear the past like a set of shackles that have me trapped in a dark jail cell. I can remember where I was when I hit a good hand on a triple play poker machine. When I relive that moment I can begin to feel the rush. I was important then. I loved the attention of a $2,000 hand pay. I would spread my proud peacock feathers when I would tip the key person $100.

For that moment in time I mattered.

I like to go back to Reno and walk around “my” lake. I enjoy looking back through pictures of things I’ve experienced. I feel good when I look at the calendar with a beautiful man on it who graced me with his presence.

I am a creature of habit. I eat in the same restaurants, shop in the same stores, stay in the same neighborhood. When they learn my name I will go back more often. I like to be known and yet I want to blend in. My casino hostess knew my name. She would come find me on the gaming floor. She wanted to be sure I had what I needed to make my stay comfortable.

I keep things that were given to me back to the time I was a child, just because they have an emotional meaning for me. They were given to me because I was important to the person. I mattered to them.

I don’t think I balance the present well with the past. I certainly won’t think about the future. Goals are just a way to set myself up for failure (I’m working on getting past that).

I am comfortable in the past. I already know how the stories end. It’s quite predictable. It is an incredible sense of safety for me.

And yet it’s killing me. I’m not growing. It’s like I drive through life looking in the rear view mirror. How can I possibly get anywhere doing that?

I’m learning to sift through the ashes of my past so I can cherish some of the more important things, let go of my death grip on the rest and allow myself to experience life. Thanks for coming along for the ride 😉

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  1. I

    I live in the past too. I wear emotional and mental chains like the ghost of jacob marley. I punish myself though, for all the bad things I’ve done. There’s days when I have an imaginary whip type thing, kinda like the thing they used on the Jesus character in Mel Gibson’s The Passion. Mentally punishing myself. It doesnt help sometimes that there are people out there who enjoy (repeatedly)reminding others of their wrongs. sigh. And yes I am a keeper. I keep lots of little stuff, most of it is stuff of good memories. All my bad memories and wrongs don’t have little stuff to attach to. I try not to hold grudges against others, but I hold sooooo many grudges against myself. Summer seems to be my happy season though. Yesterday and today were fabulously sunny!! I walked all over town and enjoyed life!! OMG! I found a little piece of my muchness! Sunshine! :)

    • I am doing the dorky happy clap and dance hearing that you have found some muchness! I am with you…sun seems to brighten my soul in inexplicable ways. It lifts my spirits and makes all that self defeat inside me get quiet for a while. It sure is good to get some relief, isn’t it? I’m so proud and excited that you made time to do something that filled you…walking tends to make me feel better too. I hope you can build on this and gain some momentum…you deserve better! Thanks, as always, for talking to me!

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