Growth Underground

Jul 2, 2011 by

I believe that the strength of a plant is in the roots. The leaves, stems and maybe even flowers are all by products of an elaborate system of roots that are growing down into the earth.

I have a tendency to do most of my growth in the dirt, out of sight, as my soul searches for solid ground.

Isolation probably isn’t the best way to handle things. I know that you’re supposed to lean on friends and gain the support of others to help you through your darkest hours. You’re supposed to open up and share your troubles. Other people and a sense of community will help you feel better.

At least, that’s what I’ve heard.

When I am feeling my worst I don’t go online much. I barely answer emails. I certainly won’t answer the phone. These days (since gambling is such an afterthought) I tend to watch movies to go into another world where my head can get some rest. Oh, and I indulge in Bejeweled Blitz. That’s brilliant mindless time.

Why do I isolate? Because I don’t want to tell you how I feel. I don’t want you to know how crappy it is and yet if I speak to you it will end up coming out. I have never had a poker face and I tell the truth to a fault. So, if I avoid people then I can spare them the dreary drama of my life.

Usually I only go underground for a few days. I think about what’s going on and what I need to learn from it. I let my roots stretch and expand as I grow from my new experiences. And then I pop my head back up to face the sun so I can catch up with my life that has gone on without me.

I haven’t quite figured out how to keep up with the turmoil as it’s happening. I create so much more than I can handle. It seems as though I somehow manage to make things overly unbearable. I set roadblocks up. I stunt my own growth. I cause my own problems.

And it’s tiring. It feels like I’m taking a crash course in feelings to make up for all the ones I ran away from. I’m sure that I probably think I deserve it. I have a pretty thick skull. I work to understand that it’s not my job to suffer so much. I deserve happiness. Eventually, I have faith, that my roots will be solid enough to actually let my flower bloom again. I look forward to that day. Until then, I will continue my growth…underground.



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