The Point of No Return Again

Feb 20, 2011 by

I’m often asked what the final straw was for me to release my gambling addiction. I usually say that I eventually became sick and tired of being sick and tired. I was tired of wasting so much of my life and continually chasing my losses.

Today, even though I know better, I have found myself in a similar situation. My trouble isn’t gambling anymore. I am incredibly thankful and proud of that.

However, I am experiencing similar symptoms to my gambling addiction. I have lost sight of my passions. I’m having trouble taking care of myself. My self esteem is plummeting. I barely want to do anything anymore. I withdrew from the majority of my friends. I feel quite comfortable staying in my cave and checking out from the world…Numb again.

How did this happen again? A gradual spiral downward has created a continually growing mess. Each step into the unhealthy behavior leaves  me with less happiness, less power and less oomph.

The way to boil a frog (yes, gross analogy, but you will see the point) is to put it in a pot with cold water. It doesn’t sense anything wrong and as the water gradually gets hotter it gets used to it…to the point of death because its too late to hop out.

I have allowed my water to get pretty hot. BUT I am aware of it and I am willing to change it. I have had enough and I am willing to begin the process of change.

As much as I hate to admit that I’ve slipped again, I also know that my passion (writing about problem gambling and helping people) is waiting for me. I could look back and beat myself up, but I know from past experience that it won’t serve me. I’ve got to pick myself up and put myself back on the right track again.

In the following weeks you will see what I’m using to stand up again. I’m sorry I’ve been gone. It’s time to cut the excuses and go back to the exposed, raw, helpful writing I am capable of. Life is a learning experience and I carry the hope that you will read some of your story in mine…and that it will help.

Steps I took yesterday to begin the process:

I had an inspiring movie looping. I enjoyed hearing the thoughts in What The Bleep. It lifted my head up and cleared away some of the cobwebs.

I have been playing music on my phone when I wasn’t in front of the tv. I found myself singing to some of the songs. I had Air1 on for a while and I’ve got my “Feel Better Kimberly” playlist going. Again, inspiration to help me lift my head up.

I took a bubble bath. I allowed myself to thaw and enjoy some time in the tub. Self care is important to my recovery.

I actually put the blog post ideas that were in my head into the computer. Remember that passion? I am embracing the pleasure I am feeling because I’m taking the time to talk to you.

Remember to subscribe so you won’t miss any of the upcoming posts. I am confident that you will want to read them. Be sure to take the second step too…take action. Blessings.

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7 Comments

  1. I LOVE YOU and know you can do ANYTHING with a little push and pull you will get back over that hump again. Hopefully someday I will get to join you on the mountain top!

    • I have absolute faith that we will make it…especially if we keep climbing together! You are an incredible survivor…and I do adore you!

  2. Rhonda Fine

    When I read this, I wondered sometimes if it wasnt the part of the ex-boyfriends problems. He is always quoting “addictive personality” things. I really didnt take him seriously because he has always been so lazy that I figured he was just making up another excuse to do nothing. But he has become very withdrawn, doesnt take care of himself and I dont why I still care. But anyway, I just keep focusing on that my passions are what I really want to do and not gambling. I have seen how easy it is for some of us dealing with compulsions can get this way. I figure it is that part of our brain that wants to still escape but we are not doing it like we used. Hang in There!!! There is song that says “Fake it, if your out of direction”.It will come back to you.

    • Great job on focusing on your passions! The way out of our problems is truly a persistence that carries us through to the other side. Whether it’s your boyfriend or your gambling you just have to decide to make the healthier choices. I appreciate your willingness to help me…it is truly a blessing.

  3. When you are ready to take yourself down off that hook you’ve placed yourself on, I believe you will find your power. You really have no idea how incredibly wonderful, intelligent, gifted, and powerful you truly are. Get ready for a fantastically sweet surprise!
    >3>3>3

    • Holly we are in agreement! It’s time to throw that hook away!

      I have been playing small and allowing myself only tiny pleasures. On the bright side, I have allowed those to help me carry on, even if it has been in a limited capacity. The flicker of hope has still been burning…it’s time to fan the flame!

      And I am oh, so ready for that sweet surprise!

      • Holly Hakes Petersen

        Yay!!! I am soooooooo looking forward to seeing that brilliant light shining from your direction!

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