Discoveries in San Antonio and Las Vegas
This year has tested my patience, strength, will, motivation…you name it, I’ve been struggling with it. I have been trying to hide under a rock and disappear from the world. I haven’t wanted to “trouble” anyone else with my problems. In a sense, I have deprived other people from identifying with me and finding their own comfort, even if it’s temporary. I know I’m not alone in this fight. So many folks around me have been wading their way through life trying to keep their heads above water. Recently I’ve been noticing something very profound about us though.
Very few people are talking openly about it…including me!
It’s as though we are all trying to put on a happy face and show the world that we are doing “fine”. I’ve recently had a conversation with a friend who was sharing that he wanted to have a life like the people around him because his is incredibly difficult and lonely right now. As we talked more about it we realized that, when you get down to the truth, nobody’s life is perfect and that we aren’t in an any worse shape than anyone else.
Then it hit me.
Uh oh. That’s why I haven’t been blogging or working. I won’t write if I don’t feel good.
Lately I’ve been lamenting to my husband about feeling so far off track. I don’t feel the fire I used to when I write. It feels like my work doesn’t matter. I’ve been lost, lonely and wandering aimlessly. When I realize that I’m doing well, or that the book is selling or that I’ve made a difference in someone’s life I get scared. I am suffering from a severe case of “not good enough.” Surely I don’t deserve to feel better or even succeed. They said I’ll never amount to anything, remember?
So much old junk is stuck in my head and dragging me down.
Now, if you’ve read any of my writing you know that I have plenty of solutions to get over the negative feelings (journal, exercise, affirmations, etc.). The trouble is that I don’t want to. It’s feeling too heavy to carry. I just want to sit and rest a while. That translates to staying on the couch all day except for trips to the kitchen to eat all of the food we have. In the last 2 months I have gained 10 pounds.
I thought I had a sure fire way to fix it. Since I hate the cold weather so much my husband and I took a 5 day trip to warmer places. We had a wonderful time on the Riverwalk in San Antonio. The lights in the trees and the luminarias lining the walk were breathtaking. We took a boat ride, strolled, sat and enjoyed each other. My energy levels came back up and I felt happy again. I was actually able to receive the love my husband had to give. Normally I push him away and try to do things on my own, which leaves him feeling detached and abandoned. I felt like I was finally getting it right for a change.
Our next stop was Las Vegas for a few days. We had a great time at our friends birthday party. We were still enjoying our time together. I was happy and I felt good. We actually laughed together. We played with each other. I was still open to being cared for. For example, I let him stop for a tea when I said I was thirsty. Even something so simple usually causes an argument because I don’t want him to go out of his way for me. I hardly ever feel like I’m worth it.
Throughout the days of our vacation I felt valuable. I was inspired to do better. My creativity was flowing. I wanted to write and I was ready to work again. The foundation of my relationship was in place and all felt possible again. I felt loved and happy.
Then we got to the airport to go home.
Something in me changed. It was as if I went back to my old self because vacation was over. I went back to my “reality” of not deserving to be cared for. I didn’t think my words were good enough. I felt like a failure. Honestly, I felt the change as soon as we got to the airport.
I am honoring you and I by sharing what I’m going through. I started this blog to talk about Living Life with Feeling, especially after numbing out with the escape of gambling problems. I made a commitment to my fellow gamblers (and other struggling folks as well) to share my experiences. Learning how to feel involves the good and the bad. Every time I take a risk and share my story I hear people relating to it. There is strength in the truth. Sharing is cleansing and healing. I’m ready to step up and take it to the next level.
From this post forward I will be more transparent. More vulnerable. More real. You have my word. Together we will heal.
P.S. Sue, if you’re reading this, your email address didn’t work. I apologize for not having a better system. That will change…before the end of the year.
P.P.S. Be sure you subscribe to this blog so you won’t miss anything. It was good, but it’s going to get even better.