The Sting of Who You Were

Aug 11, 2010 by

Have you ever spoken to an old friend who isn’t afraid to share what they think?  They’ve probably been through a lot with you and can have a tendency to remind you of the “good old days.”

This morning I was catching up with one of my best friends in high school.  We were chatting away when this came out of her mouth:

You knew how to play mind games.

I wanted to defend.  I wanted to scream and shout.  I wanted her to be…wrong.

But she’s not.  I did know how to play mind games.  It was a skill I leaned on quite a lot.  My friend and I did some important growing up together and had some rough times in our relationship.  We were both busy finding our own way in life.  In fact, those experiences made me who I am today.  She remains one of my greatest teachers and I still consider her a member of my chosen family, even though we aren’t as close anymore.  We were inseparable for years.  In the long run my attitude took its toll and we grew apart.  I never understood why she put up with me for so long anyway.

Truth:  That’s who I WAS.

The struggles I went through early in life were paving the way for my escape into gambling addiction.  I have lived and learned even more since we were kids.  I finally saw things about my personality that were hurtful.  I continually chose to work on improving who I am and have changed some big things about myself.  I continually make new choices to be a better person.  Sometimes I do better than others.  My goal is to be comfortable in my own skin most of the time.  I feel so much better when I am.

I look back and I am sad for the person I used to be.  There was so much pain and confusion in my life.  I know that I was doing the best I could at the time.  Now I want things to be different for me.  I work to forgive myself for all the pain I caused ~ to others and myself.  After all that punishment from life’s lessons I realize that it’s ok to feel better and allow myself happiness.  It’s ok to find the blessings in the lessons as well.  The truth is we are all perfect in our imperfection.  We go through the fire to mold ourselves into something new.  It remains our choice to grow.

Truth:  What you did 5 minutes ago counts as who you WERE.

Are you struggling with your gambling problems or some other area of your life?  I invite you to embrace where you are and give yourself that chance to change if you don’t like it.  It’s never too late to change.  You simply have to choose it and then act on it.

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