A New Discovery of Codependency

Aug 21, 2010 by

I have the pleasure of sharing a post from a guest blogger with you today.You are taken through the journey of her struggles and the discovery that she was codependent.  She shows you steps that are being taken for her to live a better life…one that suits her.  While this person is choosing to remain anonymous, I can tell you that I have noticed brilliant changes in her.  She looks brighter now and has a spring in her step…and a saucier tone in her voice!  Can you see yourself in this piece?

The day I realized I was co-dependent I cried, not because I was upset but because I finally had an answer to why I have always felt the way I did.  Looking back I’ve been this way since a small child.  I really don’t know how I became this way it could’ve been several things.  Maybe not being able to plant my roots as a child because my parents moved around a lot and I was always changing schools.  Possibly it had to do with my mother’s own co-dependency which she learned from her mother’s co-dependency.   But I do know it was all based on emotional not because I had family or friends that were addicted to alcohol or drugs.

Several times I’ve been to therapists and they never seemed to pick up on why I was the way I was and I would leave feeling more frustrated and depressed.  I went on anti-depressants because I thought I was mentally ill.

After getting married for all the wrong reasons and staying married because of the horrible guilt I felt about leaving and not being able to talk to my husband I would turn to spending money and sex to make me feel better for that little amount of time.  It was like I couldn’t stop!  And I knew that just buying that purse would give me a small amount of pleasure and I didn’t even think about the wrath it would cause that I spent almost $400 on a handbag so I lied.  Lying became so easy for me it was the quick fix to get through a rough conversation.  But those lies built up and started to deteriorate me.  I felt that everyone around me was wearing me down.  I felt like I was nothing unless I was buying things, having affairs or closet eating.

Finally after seeing this one therapist I built up enough courage to leave my husband and file for divorce.  Looking back on it that was the easy part.  The hard part was still not being able to talk to him still lying to him always sugar coating the situation so I didn’t have to deal with it.  He encouraged me to go to counseling again.  He kept saying I needed help and maybe we would be good again (were we ever?) if I could find the right therapy.  I didn’t believe him; I figured it was just another way to confuse me and to manipulate me.

I did find a therapist…she pinpointed in the first 15 minutes everything I was feeling but could never form into words.  She understood me!!  She gave me suggestions for books to read on co-dependency.  I read one and it truly opened my eyes.  I got online and looked up websites and noticed there is a web site and support groups for this.  Although there weren’t any support groups in my area I turned to another support group that deals with these same issues.  At first I didn’t know if I belonged there and thankfully one of my dearest friends has been going there for over 20 years said you’re welcome to come and just see.  I talked about it with my counselor and told her my concerns; she looked at me point blank and said who cares! Just go and find out for yourself.  Don’t let anyone tell you what may or may not be good for you.

So I went…I was nervous but after saying the serenity prayer I felt good and then…people started talking about boundaries and walls!  I couldn’t believe it I thought I died and gone to heaven.  I felt as though these people were in my brain saying everything I’ve been thinking for years.  Needless to say my therapist was very proud of me. And I was extremely proud of me.  Going to these meetings and talking to people who know what I’m dealing with, reading books that gives me the strength I need to function has helped me beyond my imagination.  I was strong enough to tell my ex-husband that I was not comfortable anymore to be with him.  I faced that wall and little by little tore it down.   I know I’ll be working on this for a long time but I now know that I have a support to give me the strength to be able to handle almost anything.

Our guest has chosen to open herself to greater possibilities in life.  Each and every day she makes choices that shape her new adventure.  Have you been able to identify with some of the things she has experienced?  Any thoughts or suggestions?  We would love to hear from you.  Together we can find strength and smiles!

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