This Was My Gambling Addiction part 2

Jun 9, 2010 by

This was my Life

There is Never Enough

Here is some more of my previous life.  You can find additional entries under the category of Take a Peek.  I have used these experiences to strengthen my coaching and understanding.  Please keep me in mind when you are ready for help.  Here we go:

October 22, 2005

So what do I want?  It seems to be the infinite question.  I know I’m sounding like a broken record, but I am in trouble with my gaming.  I’m going to hand my [credit] card over to Lee [my ex-husband] tonight.  I must stop the leak – a trickle has turned into a flash flood and it’s drowning me.

October 24, 2005 11:58 pm

I’m having a hard time still.  I’m tired of being alone.  I’m struggling with the idea that what you focus on will appear.  I don’t know how to focus on a loving relationship.  I know that I have a few men who love me.  I want to be wanted too.  How do I convince myself that I am?

My gambling is still discouraging too.  I’m cutting back ok, but I still don’t have control.  I don’t think I ever will.  I miss Lee.  He’s helping me tremendously but I miss being home with him.

November 6, 2005

I was hoping that I’d feel better…when November came (the 11th month), when I spent all the money, when…whenever.

I feel better some days.  I had a terrible day a few days ago.  I needed to meet Lee and I couldn’t make myself get off of the bathroom floor.  I really just wanted to die.  I wanted them [my deceased grandparents] to come get me so I wouldn’t have to hurt anymore.  I keep telling myself that I’m never really alone, but its hard to believe that sometimes.  Am I just feeling sorry for myself?  What if I really am ok just the way I am?  What if I don’t need to “improve” myself for other people to like me?  What if I’m just around the wrong people?  What if…?

What if I win the jackpot at the Atlantis [Casino in Reno]?  I’ll leave – take my house off the market.  Go to school in the spring and come back in the summer and sell it in the fall.  That’s what I’d do.

I’m in the Silver Club coffee shop now.  I’ve eaten my breakfast and I’m ready to go.  Where?

John is supposed to come over today.  Maybe he’ll make me feel better.  I wish I knew how to make myself feel better.

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1 Comment

  1. Michele

    I’m on the bathroom floor myself… so to speak. Today anyway. I’ve lost my ability to plug into my intentions. A week or so ago it just disconnected. Can’t figure out how to get back on track but I am going to contact the Catholic Charity services to see if I can find some therapy. It makes me feel like a hypocrite but I don’t want to want to die. That’s just plain scary and not me at all. Wish me luck… no pun intended!!

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